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My Girlfriend Won’t Leave Her Husband

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Dear Ellis:

I’ve been seeing this incredible woman for about 9 months. She is absolutely perfect except for one thing: she’s still married and lives with her husband. From the very beginning, she’s been saying she would leave him, but there’s always an excuse for why that hasn’t happened yet.

I’m starting to get frustrated because she’s really not fully committed to our relationship, yet I’m totally in love. I can’t figure out whether she’s afraid about going from a heterosexual woman to a lesbian relationship or whether it’s something else. I don’t know what to do. I love her and don’t want to leave her but I’m starting to feel like I’ve got no choice.

~Uncertain But in Love

Ask Ellis

Uncertain But in Love:

This is a tricky situation and at the end of the day, I think you need to be prepared for an uncomfortable reality: this relationship probably won’t work out.

Actions always speak louder than words and when you have a partner who is involved in another relationship, yet they make excuses and refuse to end that other relationship, that refusal speaks louder than any “I love yous” that they could offer.

Ultimately, the fact that your partner is still involved in another relationship does not bode well. If your partner was serious about your relationship and truly wanted to end her other relationship, she would have done so already (especially when you mention that there are no permanent ties, such as a child.)

So at this point, I would have a very serious discussion with your girlfriend about why she’s staying in her other relationship. Why is she hesitant to leave? Why hasn’t she left her husband already?

You’re faced with the added obstacle that surrounds a woman who’s making the transition from a heterosexual relationship to a same-sex relationship. That’s no small transition and it can be a very difficult one. It’s possible that she’s just not ready to make that transition and unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to change that.

I would conclude the conversation with an ultimatum: end the other relationship or stay in the other relationship and end it with you. As long as she’s involved in another relationship, your relationship remains in purgatory. You deserve someone who’s fully committed to you; someone who can love you as much as you love them.

If she refuses to leave her husband, it may be time for you to end the relationship and move on. It’s possible that your decision to walk away will make her realize that you’re the person she really wants to be with, but I wouldn’t bank on it. It’s very likely that she’s content to have her cake and eat it too, so to speak. And if this is the case, then you deserve someone better.

Ask Ellis is authored by LGBT advice columnist Ellis Keller. Click here to follow Ask Ellis on Facebook or submit your Ask Ellis question here.

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